I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
