if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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