I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
