It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
