I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
