I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
organizing the empties. That sober.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
