I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
