Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
