when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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