He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
