I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
