i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
