the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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