No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
