She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
