Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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