the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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