The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
