Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
