I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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