Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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