got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
