I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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