she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
did i just pee glitter
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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