and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
