tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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