direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
