went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
