Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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