I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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