God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
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It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
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It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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