I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
These tits shall not be calmed
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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