Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
