Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
