i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
