Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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