i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
