Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
