This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
