youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
