Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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