just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
