apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My penis needs a shock collar
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
