Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i love accidental penises.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
