i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
