Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
