Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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