i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
