eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
