I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
