new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
