she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I AM VODKA MAN
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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